efore you read this, I need to mention that I didn't come up with it because I was sitting around thinking about these delicate matters as if it's what I do. No. Well, mostly no. OK, make that no for the majority of the day, and not just because I'm asleep a third of that time, because dreams count!
Anyway, a reviewer of the movie Total Recall mentioned some story about a woman who had three (time and timing precludes what and why just now), so that got me to wondering what it would be like if the number were different. I know this is confusing, but all will be clear starting right now!
Today, I'm going to talk about a serious subject, because what I really want to talk about are breasts, but that seems juvenile, so what better way to get there than by beginning with one of the great controversies of our time, Evolution vs Intelligent Design?
Let me state upfront that I do not know if God exists, that I'm afraid he does, and that that doesn't bode well for yours truly. But what I do know is that something had to always exist, and I mean besides crabgrass!
I'm talking about something more complex, because while evolution can explain a lot of things, it doesn't explain women, and by women, I, of course, mean breasts.
Here's how I see it. Two arms, two legs, two hands, two feet, that all that makes perfect sense, but two breasts? What's up with them? Women hardly ever need more than one, and I don't think evolution could have anticipated fertility drugs, do you?
So the only thing that explains two breasts is aesthetics. If you don't see my point, picture one big one dead center. Now, I can't speak for women, but if you've got that picture, and you're a man, you're horrified... and a little nauseous I might add.
I don't want to picture women with just one breast smack in the middle, but I can easily imagine two... all day, everyday! And that's how some intelligent being must have seen it, and as I'm sure you realize, he had to be a lot more intelligent than I am, because what he came up with is sheer genius!
Two is like the perfect number! And aesthetics requires intelligence, even if breasts don't!
So either evolution provided a spare for those rare occasions when a woman gives birth to twins, or God thought, "One doesn't look right, and men have two hands, so...!"
Besides, even if you feel that evolution explains two, then why not three*? Practically speaking, that's even better - for kids, for men, for plastic surgeons!
But aesthetically speaking, where would you put it?
I'll pause here while you think about that because there's nothing in the Bible about it, and all this philosophizing has my head spinning.
OK, so here's where we are... for men, God decided that two heads are better than one, and he felt the same way about breasts for women, even if they don't use the other one. Because the only other thing we have that we don't use is an appendix, and while both men and women have one, they aren't that much fun to ponder! Although again, I can only speak for men.
And thus one must conclude - two breasts = there is a God!
But now on behalf of evolution advocates, I need to mention that my wife offered the counter-argument. She said that if I think two breasts demonstrates an aesthetic sense that proves intelligent design, then I should please... "Explain why Kelly on Real Housewives New York has hers so far apart?!?"
* A female friend suggested (coincidentally) TWO good reasons why, and I quote, "four would be nice." She says, "kids grow teeth and... one gets empty and you switch so the empty one can fill back up." I'm sure that's good information for all aspiring mothers, but all I can say as a man is: take it up with your creator, because I sh"udder" to think what the bra would look like?!? And now I'm creeped out because of picturing that movie where those alien women have sex and tentacles come out and devour the guy.
