How do you say you are sorry? How do you confort a friend?
Sometimes you just can't.
There are events that leave you with nothing to say. The kind of events that we all fear. The kind of events we have imagined happening to ourselves. The kind of events that change lives. The stuff of life that just plain sucks.
Just because we fear something doesn't mean we can understand what it is like for it to happen to someone. We understand the dread, but not the reality. The dread is like seeing the preview of the movie. When something this bad actually happens it's like seeing the movie and reading the book. There is a much deeper understanding.
Since we sometimes can't understand what someone we care about is going through, it is tempting to give the usual condolances and say nothing more. We fear anything we might add could hurt the person more. Their loss has put us at a loss. We say that we are sorry and leave it at that. It doesn't seem to be enough, we want to do more. We just don't know how to.
When something changes an aspect of our life forever, nothing seems as it was, nothing seems normal. When we lose our touchstone, or base, we are left grasping for something to hang onto. We want things to be as they were, even for just a little bit. It's then that even a little scrap of the way things used to be can be a lifesaver. Even if things cannot be as they were, we need to know that some things will remain constant, no matter how small.
After a loss something as small as a quick word from a friend can help us see that things will go on, however changed. The sun will rise, the first drink out of a bottle of coca-cola will still make us want to sneeze, and our friends will still be there. At some point our loss will not consume us and we will enjoy things again.
Don't shy away for fear of hurting somone who had been through a loss. Feelings of isolation are some of the hardest part of any loss. Don't be afraid to tell your grieving friend about your day. There is comfort in the everyday. Tell them about what is happeneing in your life. These are the clues that things can be some kind of normal again.
Don't feel like you have to keep saying you are sorry. They know. By being there you show that you care. Just be there and be you.
