My youngest recently moved back home from Virginia and is living with us while she waits to get into college next fall. She'd been gone for a while so one of her friends came to spend the weekend with her. Both young women are in their early twenties.
Apparently, her new love interest consumed a large portion of her life because I swear that's all she talked about for two days. On and on she went about whats-his-name this, and whats-his-name that. I thought my head was going to explode.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for sappy, gooey, frequently nauseating young love; I just have limitations as to how much I can take. (Really...I sat through the movies Twilight & New Moon. If I can handle all that spewing of overly-dramatic-I'll-die-if-I-can't-be-with-you crap, I can handle anything.) You can't have a weak stomach and go see those movies. You'll bring up your lunch.
Anyway, we were driving down the road, with her sitting up front with me, when she started yammering on about how she knows '"he's the ONE". Blah, Blah, Blah, she continued on, listing all the plans SHE was making for their future together. When I couldn't stand it any longer, I cleared my throat as loudly as possible, interrupting her incessant chatter. I heard a quiet giggle from my daughter, who sat unassumingly in the back seat. She knew what was coming. She was well aware of her mother's penchant for trying to open a subject up for discussion. She also knew how bull-headed and short sighted her friend was. Although an intelligent young woman, she had a reputation for being an unmoveable rock when it came to her opinions. As far as she was concerned, she was always right. End of discussion.
To me, this attitude was an irrisistible invitation. I adore people like that. "Let the games begin", I thought, smirking at my daughter in the rear view mirror. She smiled, bracing herself for the storm.
"How do you know?", I spouted, stopping her mid-sentence.
She looked at me, dumbfounded that I would interrupt her. "How do I know WHAT?"
I furrowed my brow, putting on my best concerned-parent look. "How do you know he's the one?"
"I just know," she stated defiantly.
"But HOW do you know." I repeated.
She looked confused. "I don't understand what you mean. I KNOW he's the one I want to be with forever."
"But what makes you say that," I continued.
She was getting tense and fidgety.
"Because I can FEEL it," she insisted, assuming the conversation was over.
I was just getting warmed up.
"Well, WHY do you feel that way?"
She scowled, obviously irritated. "Because he makes me feel good."
Now, those of you who read my previous post (Perfect advice, yeah right) will know my opinion of someONE making you feel good.
"How," I continued.
She snorted, and I could see the frustration on her face.
"I don't know," she almost yelled, "he just DOES! He's sweet to me and we like a lot of the same things..."
I threw my head back and laughed.
"Ha! You've just described the relationship I have with my mailman, but I don't feel that's grounds to marry him!"
She threw her hands up in the air. "Well, I don't know how to describe it."
"Why not," I probed. " You should. I can give you a list of things I love about my husband and what makes us perfect for each other."
"I dunno," she stammered, "He's cute and nice and...oh, I dunno."
I shook my head disapprovingly. "You should be able to tell me exactly what it is you love about him, if he really IS the one."
Clearing my throat, I began my list.
"I love that my husband is kind to me, even when my hormones make me a raging lunatic. I love that he is a man who keeps his word if he promises you something. I love that he loves my daughters and granddaughters as if they're his own. I love that he always believes in me, even when I don't believe in myself. I love that seeing the kind of compassionate person he is, makes me strive to be better."
She stared forward in complete silence; a first for her.
I continued. "I love that he knows all my worst traits and loves me anyway. I adore how he makes me laugh, even when I don't want to. I enjoy how I can't stay mad at him for more than 30 minutes. I love how, without effort, we immediately become a team when we're faced with adversity."
She started to speak, but I raised a finger to my lips and shushed her once more.
"These are the things you should know," I instructed. "I may be the queen of divorce, but they've not gone without lessons. A relationship can't just be about you. Because you're going to be mighty disappointed if that's the only person you're looking out for. Be prepared to sacrifice, to disagree, argue, laugh, love, cry, struggle and run an entire gamut of emotions..together. Be ready to occasionally be disappointed in each other. We're only human, we're not mind readers, it happens. Don't EVER assume that what you're thinking is what HE'S thinking. They're hardwired in a completely different manner. Don't ever sit and stew about something he's done without telling him you're upset. Chances are, he doesn't even know he did it. Women are complicated, irrational, emotional, extraordinary creatures. We do so much more than we give ourselves credit for. But one thing we do NOT do is make it easy to live with us."
I looked at her and could tell some of her 'fight' had dissipated but not all.
"KNOW what it is about him that you love and appreciate it every day. Remind him what you love because whether he admits it or not, he needs to hear it. And if you ever feel you need to do something different to 'hang on' to a man, then it's time to let him go. No one who truly loves you will have to be convinced to stay. There will be no other place they'd rather be than by your side."
She stammered, trying to think of a snappy retort, I'm sure.
"I just know...", she uttered, staring blankly out the window.
I nodded my head, hoping some of what I said had reached her.
"Ok...just think about it and get back to me," I said.
I snuck a glance at my daughter in the back seat. She'd heard this speech many times and she was smiling.
Hopefully, for her friend, 'just knowing' will be enough. I want her to be happy, really I do. I just thought I could make all those years of huge mistakes useful by teaching someone else what I've learned.
Who knows if females will listen to me? Maybe I'm old fashioned about some things but I don't think repeated mistakes always make you a moron. Sometimes, they make you an expert.
Even Thomas Edison said: Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
Amen, Mr. Edison. Here's to all of us who are a PHENOMENAL success!
