I’m a real believer in the statement that the new partner of a divorced man/woman should stay well out of the upbringing of the divorced couple’s kids. In an already strained relationship due to the divorce and the following insecurities of each person involved in the divorce, you suddenly bring in a third adult person who wants to make decisions on behalf of your child or children. It’s just never a good idea. The child will probably go through a period of confusion – in some cases even guilt about the divorce, thinking that he or she caused it by being a “bad” kid – and will most likely resent any new person coming into the picture, trying to put down the rules and guidelines for them. It’s like a stranger walking into your life, telling you what to do, when to be home, how to behave. None of us like that.
The only people who should be raising a child is the mother and the father of the child. Even when , for example, the dad marries a new woman. This new person has no say whatsoever in the upbringing of the child.
I’m sure some people out there would disagree. Some say “I married this child’s father, so I consider the child my son and therefore I should have a say”. “I married this child’s mother and we all live in the same house, so of course I should have a say”.
No, you shouldn’t. I’ve never heard of a situation where it works out. You might then get into the gray area of “giving advice” to your partner about his child and then stating “But I’m not involved, just stating my opinion.” That’s what has happened to me. Without going into any details, I have been known to say “Your child is acting..so and so”. And I’ve had the response “You have a right to say your opinion”. I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. Walking into an area where I don’t belong and getting into a discussion about something that is none of my business, it’s very hard to deal with. Then why did I let myself get involved? Because when you’re in a relationship, you get involved. You hear things and see things and get drawn into conversations. The big challenge is to simply listen, step back and not get involved. I’m trying to learn that skill. I’ve also made the mistake of letting someone else give advice on my own situation and that was a big, huge, fat mistake.
I will never again let anyone interfere with the upbringing of my child. His dad and I are the ones in charge of his upbringing, not any outside party.
Stepchildren have been known to ruin lots of relationships – that’s what they say, anyway. I think the responsibility falls on the adults, though. In many cases relationships are ruined because there are no boundaries, no set rules for the step parents, nor the children to follow.
I have no answer on how to make it work when there are step kids and step parents involved. I only know what I have experienced and learned. Only let yourself and your child’s father/mother have a say in the upbringing of your child and if a situation is volatile and difficult because of different issues– like your new wife telling your teenage son when to be home – or your new husband setting rules for your 8 year old daughter and she is throwing fits about it – well , maybe it’s time for you to step up and be the main source of direction and guidance for your child?
Now let me hear from you. Are you a step mom or step dad? How is it going? What makes it work or what makes it not work?
