David Brent . Seriously. I can dish it out pretty good but my own feelings get hurt instantly. I am not a good receiver of criticism and comments about myself. I suppose it means my foundation gets rocked by even the smallest waves. I am David Brent. Or Chandler from Friends saying to his buddy Ross: “ Dude, what are you doing? You know I can only dish it out”!
Having spent most of last night sulking like a 4 year old denied of one more cookie, I realize I haven’t really grown out of that mind frame. Not entirely. Kids will sulk and be angry and withdraw to their room to deal with their emotions, unless we follow them and keep reprimanding them and telling them how they should feel and how our own view point is the right one. And that we are right.
Kids must be allowed to be angry. They must be given the space to be on their own with their emotions and deal with them.
I am exactly that way.
If I am followed to my room by the voice of reason: “That’s not what I meant, you know I was right, I wish you weren’t like this”, well then I react like the 4 year old does. I hold on to my emotions more tightly, feeling even more entitled to my rage. However, if I am given the space and time to calm down and think things through, I will come back after a bit of time, in a much better place.
That’s not to say I will admit to having been wrong. But that’s because I have been so used to putting the blame on myself that I am now taking a well deserved holiday from it. I feel it’s okay to feel like I feel . I am not a freak, after all :-)
Also I have a tendency to over analyze everything. It’s a habit I have picked up after having been burned pretty badly in a past relationship. I keep questioning people’s motives, searching for that bad side of them that I am so desperate to find, just so I can point the finger and go “I knew it. I knew you didn’t want me any good”.
I must find a balance between analyzing things to death and still being “on guard” and trusting my own judgment.
I am a 35 year old woman learning how to be in a relationship. With a 4 year old sulky girl in my stomach.
Tell me your relationship experiences. Have you been through the same stuff? Having been burned badly and found it hard to trust again?
I wonder if I am sabotaging things on purpose? I have found such peace and comfort in being alone, I am scared to let go of it. What if things don’t work out? I refuse to throw my entire life at someone so they can do as they please with it. Life is just too precious. I want my life to remain my own and yet I’d love to share it with that special someone.
Am just trying to find out how.
